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| 3. Alfie (1966) |
Selfish, self-centered hedonist Alfie (Michael Caine) seduces virtually every "bird" he meets (including a nurse in the sanatorium where he's being treated for tuberculosis), because he can (and because the pre-feminist women are stupid enough to put up with his narcissistic, misogynistic ways; he even refers to the female being as "it").
One of his married conquests, Lily (Vivien Merchant), gets pregnant, and Alfie (who has already refused to marry the mother of the product of an earlier affair) arranges for her to have a (literal) kitchen-table abortion. Seeing the dead fetus sobers Alfie up in a hurry, and he decides to settle down and marry rich widow Ruby (Shelley Winters) — but when he goes to see her, finds she's replaced him with a new, younger lover. Past his prime and abandoned by all the women he's bedded, Alfie is forced to reevaluate his life.
Followed by:
Alfie Darling (1976) We need a spoiler!
Remade as:
Alfie (2004)
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| From: Movie Spoilers/Titles A/Alfie (1966) |
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| 4. Black Hooker (1974) |
a.k.a. Street Sisters
Painted Woman* (Sandra Alexandra), a sleazy hooker, who's black, leaves her illegitimate son, blonde, blue-eyed Young Boy (Teddy Quinn), with her parents, a mean preacher man (Jeff Burton) and his long-suffering wife (Kathryn Jackson), then returns to visit the old homestead occasionally, for no apparent reason but to annoy the couple.
By the time Young Boy turns into Older Boy (Durey Mason, who looks like a cross between Larry Wilcox, "Ponch" of "CHiPs," and Dean Butler, Almanzo Wilder of "Little House on the Prairie"), he's fallen in love with the (black) girl he's grown up with (Gioya Roberson, and later Mary Reed). Their love affair goes to pot after Older Boy sees Grandpa seducing Older Girl in the barn. Grandma — who up to this point has been the only person in Boy's life with any redeeming qualities whatsoever — tells Older Boy not to fret about what he's seen (Grandma's always put up with Grandpa's adultery, and there are worse things that can happen, she tells him), but (and in spite of Older Girl's plea that he stay with her), Older Boy runs away to find Painted Woman and have a normal mother-son relationship (fat chance). Meanwhile, Painted Woman is off whoring around in the city as usual.
When Grandma dies, there's a weird, sepia-toned funeral out in the middle of nowhere, for which both Older Boy and Painted Woman return. Later, Older Boy confronts his wayward mama in her bedroom, and strangles her to death. The End.
Our take: Truly bizarre, low-budget, description-defying oddity that must be seen to be believed. Despite the title, it's not blaxploitation, which is traditionally urban with a funky backbeat.
* None of the characters in this cheesy exploitation flick has a given name.
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| From: Movie Spoilers/Titles B/Black Hooker (1974) |
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| 5. The Crush (1993) |
Pursued aggressively by 14-year-old Lolita wannabe Adrian Forrester* (Alicia Silverstone), daughter of his new landlords, magazine writer Nick Eliot (Cary Elwes, who has trouble faking an American accent) does his best to reject her advances while pursuing his own fledgling relationship with co-worker and photographer Amy (Jennifer Rubin).
Frustrated, Adrian turns hostile, wiping out Nick's computer hard drive and vandalizing his car. When Adrian's friend Cheyenne (Amber Benson) warns Nick about Adrian, Cheyenne falls victim to a suspicious accident while pole vaulting at the stables. After Adrian plays peeping tom and sees Nick and Amy having sex, Adrian locks Amy in her darkroom and unleashes a swarm of bees through the air vents.
Nick tries to make Adrian's parents ("That 70s Show" dad Kurtwood Smith, and Gwynyth Walsh) that something's not right with their precocious teen, to no avail. Nick realizes he'd better move out of the Forresters' guest house, but before he can, Adrian accuses him of raping her, going as far as fishing a used condom out of Nick's garbage to use as evidence. Nick is arrested, and his boss Michael (Matthew Walker) bails him out — but fires him, too.
Enter Cheyenne, who tells Nick that Adrian keeps a diary, which will clear Nick's name. After Cheyenne leaves, Nick hears something going on in the Forrester house, and investigates. He finds Cheyenne in the attic, tied up. Enter Adrian, followed by her father, who lunges at Nick. Adrian then attacks her father, and in the ensuing chaos, Nick lays Adrian flat with a knock-out punch.
Cleared, Nick moves in with Amy, while Adrian moves into a psych ward. Her doctor thinks she's making progress... but we can tell Adrian now has a crush on him.
* ...or Adrienne, or Darian, depending on who you ask.
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| From: Movie Spoilers/Titles C/Crush, The (1993) |
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